In Couples, Sometimes the Psychedelic Can Feel LIke The Other Woman or The Other Man...
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This week’s post
It’s rarely discussed but not uncommon that emotional issues arise when one partner begins psychedelic work and the other partner doesn’t. “Psychedelics can be divisive if both partners aren’t participating,” says Dr. Erica Zelfand, ND, a licensed family medicine doctor, psychedelic practitioner, retreat leader, and founder of the Right To Heal nonprofit in Portland OR. “The psychedelic can actually start to feel like the other woman or man.”
Erica is wise and well practiced. She notes that the issue often arises when one person goes on retreat and the other stays home. The retreatant has a powerful experience and builds a new community of friends and this can leave the person back home feeling left out or threatened. It has happened commonly enough that Zelfand has prepared an info packet for the at-home partner that explains what your partner’s about to go through and that they may come home different – “and that can be a good thing.”
Another source of division occurs when one part of the couple says they support their partner’s psychedelicizing, but in fact resents it. “That can feel like a polyamory dynamic and it can explode,” says Zelfand. “But when both partners are on board, it can be a beautiful, powerful relationship-saving tool – unrivaled in its efficacy in my observation.”
So, in the spirit of preventative couple’s harm reduction, I offer you a redacted version of Zelfand’s thoughts that could help stay at home partners help their loved ones get the most from their retreat while supporting you while they’re away. Erica works with ketamine, peyote and psilocybin on retreats that she often hosts at her center in Tepotzlan, Mexico, but this excerpt will focus on psilocybin.
How does psilocybin work? Research has given us a more nuanced understanding of how psilocybin works in the brain and body. While entire books could be written on the topic, let’s focus on a few key components:
Cross Talk.There are always “conversations” happening within the gazillions of neural networks of the brain. Under the effects of psilocybin, more “conversations” occur – and they happen between neural networks that do not normally talk to each other. This essentially allows the experiencer to examine ideas from angles they might not have considered before. This phenomenon is called “cross talk.” Cross talk may also explain why sometimes people experience vivid imagery when they close their eyes on psilocybin: more regions of the brain are communicating with the visual cortex while on the drug.
The Default Mode Network. While psilocybin activates many parts of the brain, other regions quiet down. Specifically, the parts of the brain collectively known as the Default Mode Network (or DMN) get quieter. The DMN is responsible for our automatic, ego-centered thinking. It is hypothesized that certain disorders like depression, anxiety, and obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) are in part due to a hyperactive DMN. Letting the DMN take a break during the psilocybin experience allows the user to reconsider their own stories about themselves. It also disrupts the patterns of repetitive, ruminative thinking that may be keeping them stuck in their illness.
The snowfall analogy. Michael Pollan has a lovely analogy to explain the effects of psilocybin. Imagine that every day a person goes sledding down a snowy hillside. After a while, tracks will be made in the snow and the person may find themselves taking the same track down the hill day after day. Each time the sled slides down that track, it gets reinforced. Taking psilocybin is like having a fresh snowfall that fills in the old tracks, allowing someone to carve a different path, perhaps a healthier one, down the hill.
Renegotiating formulas. As we grow up, our brains become more efficient at predicting patterns. Rather than taking in every sound, smell, and image as a brand-new adventure the way young children do, we start filtering information. The brain also looks for patterns and then applies rules to situations. This is pattern recognition: “If A and B are true, then C must be so as well.” This process is largely mediated by the DMN. Pattern recognition allows the brain to conserve energy, but it can also create some trouble because our formulas aren’t always right. As we encounter evidence that challenges our formulas, our brains dismiss that evidence, instead favoring data that supports our theories.
Under the effects of psilocybin, the brain becomes less defensive of its formulas, allowing us to consider which ones may need some updating. For example, somebody who was abused in childhood may have created the emotional “formula” that close relationships cannot be trusted. The psilocybin experience may offer a new way of viewing that old formula. Somebody who was taught as a child that love was contingent upon accomplishment might renegotiate that belief, and understand that they are worthy of love exactly as they are. Other people have found that they created stories about having to suffer in order to “properly” honor their ancestors. Psilocybin can help them find other, healthier ways of honoring their ancestors.
Needless to say, when someone re-examines entrenched formulas, things can get messy. They may reinforce the formulas that are true (I am a good person! I do love my spouse!), and grieve the ones that have caused them pain (Wow, that really was an abuse of power, what my teacher did). It can also be painful to open to such things. For example, one guest was able to see that his fear of intimacy made him treat many of his former partners terribly. Once he realized this, he was upset with himself for hurting those caring individuals and for denying himself their love
.Respect the cocoon. Before a caterpillar can become a butterfly, it must make its cocoon. In this safe, dark place, the caterpillar is isolated from outside influences and focuses solely on its own transformation. The caterpillar dissolves into an indistinguishable goo, from which it becomes a butterfly. If one were to crack open a cocoon during this process, they would find only slimy goo; no caterpillar, no butterfly. It can be quite alarming!
For this reason, we strongly encourage you not to disturb your loved one’s cocoon when they are on retreat. It can slow down your loved one’s transformation and if you encounter goo, you might also get frightened, which isn’t helpful to anyone!
So please, do not try to monitor your loved one’s experience or progress. Do not expect daily updates or summaries. Do not try to impose your own formulas on their process. And do not ask your loved one to support you or to complete tasks for you while they are away. Rather, this is the time for you to call in your other sources of support. We also suggest that you do not ask or expect anything of your loved one while they are away. Without meaning to, you might be poking their cocoon and doing them (and yourself) harm. Let our team support your loved one and their cocoon state.
The soufflé and the mechanic. It’s hard to bake a soufflé, but well worth the effort. Anyone who has ever baked a soufflé can tell you that there are two very important things to ensure this delicious, delicate creation rises properly: Do not open the oven door, and do not poke the soufflé. Once the ingredients are in the oven, the baker must keep the door closed to ensure the soufflé rises properly. If every curious person came along and opened the oven to find out how things were coming along we wouldn’t have much of a soufflé at all. So, don’t poke the soufflé! Protect the process that happens during retreats. If this analogy doesn’t work for you, then here’s another one: Don’t expect to drive a car when it’s in the shop for repairs. The mechanic said it’ll be a week. If you call or show up at the shop before a week is up, it won’t speed the process and it will annoy the mechanic. The distractions might actually slow them down and make the job take longer.
Can I call my loved one? We suggest that any communications between you and your loved one be kept brief, supportive (meaning you offer support, not the other way around), and led by the one in the cocoon. If your loved one doesn’t call or text, it’s most likely because they’re in their cocoon and focusing on you may interrupt the important work of healing. On a logistical note, retreat days can be long (some days contain over 12 hours of programming) and we often encourage guests to ignore their phones. Furthermore, if we find that a retreat participant is being distracted by their phone, we will (lovingly) ask them to power it off until the end of the retreat. If you want to connect with your loved one, we suggest brief, encouraging messages like, “Thanks for doing this important work. I’m rooting for you,” or “Hope it’s all going well. I’m so proud of you.”
Be the rock. As the brain, body, and spirit grapple with “unfinished business,” the process can get messy. For example, years ago I worked with a retreatant who had experienced sexual abuse as a child. Under the effects of psilocybin, his psyche went back to reconcile the trauma, and he experienced paranoia. He phoned his wife, hysterical, telling her that the retreat staff were trying to kidnap and sell him to sex traffickers – a claim that was, of course, entirely untrue. Thankfully, his wife understood that issues -- like bruises -- can get uglier before they resolve. Another guest was still on mushrooms at the end of the day when his wife texted three times, nagging him for not calling her. He called her back and blurted out that he was gay. This guest was in fact, not gay, but was working through a process around his own homophobia. His wife was understandably confused, and the next day she received another call (from her now sober husband) to clarify.
If you get correspondence that has you concerned, remember that emotions and thinking sometimes get chaotic before they settle down. If you’ve ever cleaned out a closet, you know that the rest of the room becomes chaotic during the organization process. Change can be healing; it can also be frightening. What will change? What will stay the same? Will my partner still want to be with me? Will my family members forgive me? Will they remember what happened and become angry again? So many feelings, so many things to worry and get insecure about!
Healing work entails an element of surrender, for the retreatant and for those who love them too. So if your partner is away, this might be a nice time for you to seek out your own support – a lunch with a friend, a therapy session, or signing up for that class you’ve been curious about.
In addition to everything discussed above, there are also the logistics of running household, business, and life. Giving your partner the space to go on retreat means that you’ll likely have to carry a heavier load than usual. Parenting by yourself for the week, running the business, caring for dependent elders, or otherwise “taking one for the team.” Many retreat participants have shared they appreciated coming home post retreat to a clean and tidy space.
It may not always feel like it but these acts of service are a form of love.